Signature workshop

Separating Pain From Suffering: The Grief Myths That Keep Us Stuck

So many of us were taught that grief has stages, a timeline, and an endpoint called "closure." None of that holds up — and believing it can quietly make grief harder than it needs to be. This is a warm, myth-busting workshop on the "should" of grief. Attendees leave with a mini-workbook, a lot more room to breathe, and a clearer sense of the difference between the pain that comes with loss and the suffering that comes from fighting it.

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Who this is for

Built for the teams already doing this work.

  • Community events, libraries, and faith communities
  • EAP lunch-and-learns and workplace wellness programs
  • Senior-living and hospice family-services teams looking for a family-facing companion talk
  • Anyone newer to grief work who wants a plain-language foundation before digging into specific frameworks

Learning objectives

What your team will walk away able to do.

  • Name at least three common grief myths (stages, timelines, closure) and explain why current research doesn't support them as universal truths
  • Distinguish between the pain of loss (unavoidable) and the suffering that comes from judging or resisting that pain (often avoidable)
  • Identify at least two "should" statements about grief they've absorbed, and where those ideas came from
  • Practice reframing a harsh inner "should" into a gentler, truer statement
  • Explain, in plain language, why grief has no fixed timeline and doesn't need one
  • Leave with a personal mini-workbook page they can return to when grief feels confusing

Evidence base

Grounded in current grief research.

The popular idea that grief moves through five neat stages comes from Elisabeth Kübler-Ross's work with dying patients — not bereaved people — and a 2021 systematic analysis of how "stages of grief" are portrayed online found the model is widely repeated but not supported as a universal, linear sequence (Frontiers in Psychology, 2021). Researchers have specifically cautioned health-care professionals against over-applying stage models to real grieving people, since doing so can make normal, non-linear grief feel abnormal or "wrong" (PMC, 2017). This workshop leans instead on meaning reconstruction theory (Neimeyer), which frames grief as an active process of relearning the world and rebuilding meaning — not a fixed sequence with a finish line (Neimeyer, meaning reconstruction research program), and on the Dual Process Model (Stroebe & Schut), which shows healthy grieving as an oscillation between facing loss and stepping back into life, rather than a one-way march toward "closure" (dual process model bereavement research).

The "pain vs. suffering" distinction taught in this workshop draws on a biopsychosocial view of grief and emotional regulation, which separates the unavoidable pain of loss from the additional suffering that comes from resisting, judging, or pathologizing that pain (Journal of Clinical Medicine, 2021). This workshop is careful to distinguish ordinary grief from Prolonged Grief Disorder (PGD), added to the DSM-5-TR in 2022, which describes a smaller group of bereaved people whose grief symptoms are unusually intense, persistent, and disabling well past the expected course (APA, "Prolonged Grief Disorder"; Treml et al., Frontiers in Psychiatry, 2024). Naming this distinction helps attendees understand that "no fixed timeline" doesn't mean grief never needs extra support — it means most grief, most of the time, doesn't need to be rushed or judged.

Session outline

What a 60-minute session looks like.

Every talk is tailored to the room, but here's the shape I'd usually propose. The half-day version below expands each block with worksheets and role-play.

  1. 0:00–0:08

    Welcome and framing

    Molly opens with a personal or illustrative story about a grief myth that once made her own or someone else's grief harder. Introduces the session's core idea: pain is what loss costs us; suffering is often what we add on top when we believe grief should look a certain way.

  2. 0:08–0:20

    Busting the big three myths

    Teaching segment on three widely believed myths: (1) grief happens in five predictable stages, (2) there's a "normal" timeline you should be past a loss by, and (3) closure is the goal. Explains where each myth came from and what the research actually shows.

  3. 0:20–0:30

    Pain vs. suffering

    Introduces the core distinction: pain is what happened to you; suffering is often the story you're told (or tell yourself) about what that pain means about you. Uses simple, relatable examples.

  4. 0:30–0:42

    Small group or paired discussion

    Pairs or small groups share one "should" they wrote down (only if comfortable) and discuss: does this "should" make things easier or harder? Facilitator floats and offers gentle reframes as examples.

  5. 0:42–0:52

    Reframing practice

    Guided exercise: attendees take their "should" statement and rewrite it as a gentler, truer statement (e.g., "I should be over this by now" becomes "This is taking the time it's taking, and that's allowed").

  6. 0:52–0:58

    Closure, revisited

    Short closing teaching: closure isn't the goal, and it never was. Carrying love forward is not a failure to "move on" — it's what continuing bonds actually looks like.

  7. 0:58–1:00

    Close

    Invite one or two volunteers to share their reframed statement. Hand out the mini-workbook. Thank the room.

Half-day training

The 3-hour expanded version.

  1. Hour 1 — Myth-busting, deepened

    • 0:00–0:15 Extended welcome and framing with a longer illustrative story
    • 0:15–0:40 Deep dive into the history and research behind each grief myth, including where Kübler-Ross's stage model came from and how it got applied far beyond its original intent
    • 0:40–0:55 Worksheet: attendees map their own beliefs about grief against what the research shows, identifying which "shoulds" they're carrying
    • 0:55–1:00 Optional voluntary share-out

  2. Hour 2 — Pain vs. suffering in depth

    • 1:00–1:20 Teaching on the pain/suffering distinction with more nuance, including how this applies differently across cultures and belief systems
    • 1:20–1:45 Small-group role-play: practicing responding to a friend or family member who says something like "shouldn't you be over this by now?" — both receiving the comment and, separately, catching oneself before saying it to someone else
    • 1:45–2:00 Group discussion: what surprised people about the pain/suffering distinction

  3. Hour 3 — Building a personal practice

    • 2:00–2:20 Guided reframing exercise, expanded: attendees identify three personal "shoulds" and reframe each
    • 2:20–2:45 Small-group discussion: what would it look like to carry love forward without needing closure? Sharing memories, rituals, and ongoing connection practices
    • 2:45–2:55 Building a simple personal practice attendees can return to when grief feels confusing
    • 2:55–3:00 Closing circle and mini-workbook distribution

Signature phrases

Language your team can borrow directly.

  • "Pain is what loss costs us. Suffering is often what we add on top."
  • "There is no schedule for grief, and there never was."
  • "Closure was never the goal. Carrying love forward is."
  • "Grief doesn't move in stages. It moves in waves."
  • "Your 'should' came from somewhere — it doesn't have to stay."
  • "This is taking the time it's taking, and that's allowed."

On the handout

What your team takes home.

  • Mini-workbook cover page: "Pain vs. Suffering" framework explained simply
  • Myth-busting one-pager: the three big myths and what the research actually shows
  • Reframing worksheet: space to write personal "shoulds" and their gentler reframes
  • A short glossary: stages model, Dual Process Model, meaning reconstruction, Continuing Bonds — in plain language
  • A short note distinguishing ordinary grief from Prolonged Grief Disorder, with a gentle "when to seek more support" note

Follow-up resources

To go deeper.

Optional pre-work: Ask attendees to jot down, before the session, one thing they've heard about "how grief is supposed to work" — from a movie, a book, a well-meaning friend, or their own assumptions — and to bring it with them.

FAQ

A few things owners and administrators usually ask.

"If there are no stages, how do I know if I'm grieving 'right'?"

There isn't a "right" way — that's the whole point of this workshop. Grief that includes sadness, anger, relief, guilt, numbness, or even laughter, in any order, all counts as real grief.

"Isn't closure a healthy goal to work toward?"

Research and clinical experience increasingly show that most people don't "close" a relationship with someone they loved — they carry it forward differently. That's not a failure; that's Continuing Bonds theory in action.

"What if it's been years and it still hurts sometimes?"

That's normal and common — grief bursts and anniversary reactions can happen for a lifetime, especially for a significant loss. This workshop distinguishes that from Prolonged Grief Disorder, which is a specific, less common pattern of persistent, disabling grief symptoms that may call for professional support.

"Is this therapy?"

No — this is education and coaching, meant to give you language and a framework, not clinical treatment. If your grief feels like it's significantly disrupting your daily life for a long stretch of time, this workshop will point you toward where to find that kind of support.

BRING THIS TO YOUR TEAM

Let's find a time to talk.

Every session is tailored to your audience, timeframe, and setting. If you're thinking about a keynote, a workshop, or a half-day training for your team — let's talk. Fees vary by format and audience; I'll follow up within a business day.

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